Wow! I'm finally able to sit down and blog. My weekend seemed to never stop being busy, and when it wasn't busy, all I was able to do was sleep. Needless to say, my hands were too tied up to sit down and blog. But I did meditate (almost) each day! I won't lie to y'all; I missed day 8 (Saturday). This means my day 9 was actually my day 8, so I guess I've back tracked. It's okay, though, because nobody's perfect and I'll be dammed if I ever claimed to be. Plus, I know I did some mindful eating and walking that day!
day 6 (Thursday): On Thursday, I meditated for a short bit after work. It was very nice. My boyfriend hadn't gotten home from work yet, so I turned off the lights, flicked on a soft-lighted lamp, and situated myself nicely in the criss-cross position against the wall. My posture felt wonderful and I was able to breathe without a problem. My body was able to fall right into a relaxed state, but my mind couldn't concentrate on anything. There were a lot of noises happening, so I tried to concentrate on the fan in the room, and even that didn't work. What did work was trying to concentrate my eyes onto something. It made it a little easier, but I couldn't stop blinking. It felt like I just kept hitting a wall when I tried to relax and find some inner quietness.
day 7 (Friday): This day found me in the classroom. My religion class to be exact. Every class we start off with a meditation with a singing bowl, which is something I always look forward to. Originally I didn't feel fond of the singing bowl, but somehow it's helped me really relax. I'm assuming it's something about the frequencies of the sound (fun fact: this is why people ring bells before walking/praying at a temple in India; the frequencies send out good vibes). Regardless of the singing bowl, for some reason I couldn't really get into a meditative state. I think it was a mixture of having too much coffee and a slight headache. I also find it hard to meditate in a room with bright lights and classrooms always seem a little too bright for me. It wasn't even my thoughts, but really just my body. It was jittery and uncomfortable. So, that meditation wasn't really a success, but it wasn't a failure either. It's not like I didn't occasionally feel calm and relaxed, but when I did I easily slipped right out of it.
day 8 (Sunday, today!): I meditated in the morning today. I had a very peculiar dream that made me feel all sorts of negative energy, so it was really nice that I meditated a little after I had woken up. It was "easy" (this is in quotes because I'm still a beginner and never have it feel easy easy) to slip into a relaxed state of mind and body. I focused on the melting snow dropping near my window like rain. It was very relaxing. My breath was steady and my mind almost quiet and calm. There was no rush to do anything and nothing crazy to think about. My breath filled me with energy as I tried to inhale the positive and exhale the negative. The only thing I wish was that it stuck with me. I ended up getting pretty bad news immediately after my meditation and it shocked me to the core, so I wasn't able to continue my positive thinking. That's just something to practice, though. Sometimes my anxiety pushes my relaxation out, but it's okay. Time will take me where I want to be; sooner or later, I'll get there.
To be real, I'm pretty surprised I've kept up with meditation. Usually I start something and quit it quickly, but with this I'm determined to keep going and make it a habit. It really has changed my life and way of thinking. This weekend was particularly stressful and painful, but if this weekend happened my freshman year of college (or even my senior/junior year of high school), I would never have been able to handle it and found a way to end my weekend on a positive note. The events that hurt me would have continued to hurt me and ruin my weekend even more than it already did. I would have ruminated, but with all this practice with meditation and positive thinking, I've been able to change my attitudes towards my stressors and anxieties. I do admit that I wish I handled a few things differently, but I'm trying to accept that shit happens. I'm not an expert at meditation and I'm sure not an expert at handling my anxiety. It's been with me all my life and my anxious habits will not be broken over 8 days of meditation or even months of therapy. It takes years and it takes hard work. I'm just happy I'm able to push myself to be better, not just for others, but for me. What counts is my dedication to myself and the love and effort I'm putting in to better myself so I can better the world around me. Meditation is just a nice little way of helping me. Namaste.
artfully yours
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