day 9: meditation

Today's meditation was UNBELIEVABLE. First of all, it started off with me in a whole new place. I went to this church-like place called All Souls Gathering. It's a non-denominational gathering place. I did this thing called the Oneness Blessing, which according to the woman facilitating the event, originated in India (UM which is where I JUST WAS!). It's a way to defeat world suffering and to feel connected with everyone and the Earth around you. It's supposed to bring you closer to your divine figure and allow you to feel deeksha. It was amazing. Let me tell you.
First, I was a little taken aback because I wasn't sure who my "divine figure" really was, but then I just decided to accept it and move on into being present and really feeling the benefits of the meditation. I sat cross-legged in the chair with my hands on my knee area. My pointer finger was touching the second knuckle of my thumb with the other three fingers outward. It wasn't really comfortable at first but as the meditation went on it literally felt like I wasn't even touching my fingers together at all. In fact, I couldn't even feel them. All I began to feel was my energy in the chair and in the room. I was one with myself and one with the music. So much so that breathing became so easily that it felt like I wasn't breathing at all. I was in perfect flow. If I had opened my eyes and found I was floating in the air, I wouldn't have been shocked at all. That was how it felt.
As the mediation went on and I began to fall deeper into the trance-like state, I found myself having very interesting visuals. My mind was moving with the beat of the song and I watched myself dance in a sari-type, flow-y outfit to the beat. She asked us to give out gratitude toward our friends and family, and then I suddenly saw my closest friends, Joe, and a few of my family members dancing in the same way as me. We were dancing together. Occasionally I would dance with only one of them at a time, but it was mostly us dancing together in a web of flow-y togetherness.
Needless to say, I have never felt anything like that before. I will definitely be going back to All Souls Gathering. I had a pretty bad headache the whole time and even though it didn't really ruin it, it definitely made it less amazing (and yet, it was still freaking amazing). I feel so relaxed and ready for the night. Just to hang out and be.
One thing I did realize was that I am very, very, very self-harming. Not in the physical way, but mentally. I constantly question and put myself down. I found myself doing that during my meditation when I began to feel the visuals. My mind kept saying I was faking this experience and that there was no way it was really happening and there was no way I was really feeling spiritual and as relaxed as I did. My visuals were a product of my own mind being stupid (which didn't even make sense because they were nice). My mind kept telling me I was forcing this, even though it didn't feel forced at all. I think this will just have to be something I talk to Kelly about next time. That's okay, though. Like I said, I can only get better from here and I think I'm well on my way to being the best me I've ever been. Namaste.
artfully yours