My meditations are going so wonderfully. Not only am I so proud of myself about it, but I've also seen a change in my mood. Of course my mood hasn't completely drastically changed just from meditating for 5 days (I have also been in therapy once a week for a while now), but I have noticed that I'm more aware of my various feelings throughout the day and how to keep my anxiety in check along with going with the flow more often. I feel less angry and less confined to the rigid structures of time and anxiety. This is what I was reflecting upon during my meditation. It was very easy for me to start my meditation today, as my body slipped right into relaxation mode. I have to admit, though, I did have a beer an hour before it, so that will skew this meditation a little. Although my thoughts were still there, they weren't as active and felt calmer, more still. It was nice. There was a moment where my mind wasn't really silent, but just so focused on how my body felt that it didn't need to think, it just was feeling. That moment was beautiful. It was how I felt meditating in front of the Buddha statue in Ellora caves and when I meditated in the window of Daulatabad Fort in India. These moments have really allowed me to take a new lease on life, mentally and spiritually. When I move into my apartment in June I plan to learn about chakra healing and use my chakra candles (since I can't use them in the dorms). I'm so excited for everything, now and things coming up. Sigh, what a wonderful time to be. Namaste.
artfully yours.
Wednesday, March 29, 2017
Tuesday, March 28, 2017
day 4: meditation
Today wasn't a good day for meditation, which is odd because I was in a wonderful mood today, but for some reason I just couldn't get into it. It started off perfectly fine: I sat in my position on my bed with my back supported and my body began to relax and feel heavy, but my mind just couldn't focus on my breath. Or rather, I could not breathe as deeply as I wanted to. I tried to focus on the way my body was sinking into the bed, but it just wouldn't happen. I don't even remember what I was thinking about, too, but that's okay. I do think it's important that I recognize the fact that my body relaxed so easily in that position. When I breathed, my whole body was breathing from the top of my head to the tip of my toes. It was wonderfully rejuvenating. It's mostly about finding that quietness inside my mind. Like I've been saying, though, soon I will get there. Namaste.
artfully yours
artfully yours
Monday, March 27, 2017
day 3: meditation
Today's meditation felt a bit forced. Not in the sense that I didn't want to, but in the sense that I tried to push my thoughts out and it failed miserably. Understandably, though; I mean, the sure fire way to think about something is to try not to think about something. What upsets me the most is that my thoughts are really about nothing. Usually they're about something that happened days before where I felt I hurt someone's feelings or someone confronted me about something I did wrong. I think this speaks to the fact that I'm too hard on myself, which is something I've struggled with for a long time. I did find, though, that the moment I tried to just accept my thoughts, my body moved into a more relaxed state. It stayed with nice posture, but somehow all my tension (which, let me tell you, is my WHOLE body) felt as if it melted away and I sank a little into my bed. It felt wonderful! I made me realize that I need to try and find a balance with my mind and body. Let them speak to each other and swap out the relaxation energy so it's just an ever-flowing feeling within me. Soon I will get there. Namaste.
artfully yours.
artfully yours.
Sunday, March 26, 2017
day 2: meditation
OK, yes, I forgot a day. But I'm a busy bee. Still, I should make time. And I will. I think part of it is that I don't like to meditate in areas that I will be disturbed or with others, and I'm always with others. I don't really have my own room or space to meditate freely, but when the summer rolls around I totally will!
Today's meditation was nice. I sat on my boyfriends bed with my back against the wall (I have really bad back problems so it felt nice) and my hands out in the receiving position in hopes to receive good vibes. The thoughts were still running rampant, and it opened my eyes to see my thoughts in a new light. They're like a bunch of little children and I'm the babysitter. I'm supposed to keep them in check and I try my best not to, but the moment you try and calm one thought, another thought quickly goes haywire. It's upsetting and frustrating, but the best way to deal with children is with love and understanding, so that's how I need to treat my mind. I cannot be upset with it that thoughts go haywire, but instead realize I am not at the point where I am able to really put them at ease, but I love my mind place and know it will be a still ocean one day. For that, I am excited.
A thought that snuck into my meditation caught me, though; it wasn't really an intrusive thought, but more of an insight on how I've been feeling since India. I've been feeling rather "awake" and not in the millennial since of being "woke" about social issues (which I also should be a little bit more of) but awake in the sense that I am realizing which person I want to be vs. the person I act like I am. I have been living in a world of cognitive dissonance. I laugh with others about nasty things while thinking about how much I hate saying these words. Others speak meanly of others and I do not want to be a part of it. Lately I've been trying to separate myself from the drama and ill-words, but it is awfully hard. It's not hard because I want to say mean things (because I don't want to at all), but it's hard to tell people I don't agree with the way they feel about someone or about something because in their mind the ill words are just to say. For example, at work yesterday my boss said she hates it when one of my coworkers can't do their own job. This job, in my opinion, wasn't something to be upset about. It was about watering tables. She thought the captain (waitress who takes orders) should be able to water a table instead of her (the person who runs the food to the tables), but I felt that was silly. Anyone can water tables and besides maybe the captain was busy doing something else. I told her that I felt her expectations were too high and heard her say, as I walked away, that she did not think so. Later, I heard her talking to another coworker about how she doesn't think she should have to change her expectations.
The gossip and dirty talk just becomes an endless cycle of hurting others, and ultimately, hurting yourself. I won't lie and tell you I haven't talked dirty about a few people, but I am trying to change and therefore feel ready to change. It's just about keeping that feeling of serenity with the Buddha in my everyday life. Namaste.
artfully yours.
Today's meditation was nice. I sat on my boyfriends bed with my back against the wall (I have really bad back problems so it felt nice) and my hands out in the receiving position in hopes to receive good vibes. The thoughts were still running rampant, and it opened my eyes to see my thoughts in a new light. They're like a bunch of little children and I'm the babysitter. I'm supposed to keep them in check and I try my best not to, but the moment you try and calm one thought, another thought quickly goes haywire. It's upsetting and frustrating, but the best way to deal with children is with love and understanding, so that's how I need to treat my mind. I cannot be upset with it that thoughts go haywire, but instead realize I am not at the point where I am able to really put them at ease, but I love my mind place and know it will be a still ocean one day. For that, I am excited.
A thought that snuck into my meditation caught me, though; it wasn't really an intrusive thought, but more of an insight on how I've been feeling since India. I've been feeling rather "awake" and not in the millennial since of being "woke" about social issues (which I also should be a little bit more of) but awake in the sense that I am realizing which person I want to be vs. the person I act like I am. I have been living in a world of cognitive dissonance. I laugh with others about nasty things while thinking about how much I hate saying these words. Others speak meanly of others and I do not want to be a part of it. Lately I've been trying to separate myself from the drama and ill-words, but it is awfully hard. It's not hard because I want to say mean things (because I don't want to at all), but it's hard to tell people I don't agree with the way they feel about someone or about something because in their mind the ill words are just to say. For example, at work yesterday my boss said she hates it when one of my coworkers can't do their own job. This job, in my opinion, wasn't something to be upset about. It was about watering tables. She thought the captain (waitress who takes orders) should be able to water a table instead of her (the person who runs the food to the tables), but I felt that was silly. Anyone can water tables and besides maybe the captain was busy doing something else. I told her that I felt her expectations were too high and heard her say, as I walked away, that she did not think so. Later, I heard her talking to another coworker about how she doesn't think she should have to change her expectations.
The gossip and dirty talk just becomes an endless cycle of hurting others, and ultimately, hurting yourself. I won't lie and tell you I haven't talked dirty about a few people, but I am trying to change and therefore feel ready to change. It's just about keeping that feeling of serenity with the Buddha in my everyday life. Namaste.
artfully yours.
Friday, March 24, 2017
day 1: meditation
OK, maybe if I try to do an actual day by day project it'll encourage me to get serious about blogging (but probably not). Regardless, I'll try it anyway! The other day I found myself in India, meditating in front of a 1500 year old Buddha statue with two of my classmates. The moment was serene, unbelievable, and overall, the best connection I've ever made with meditation in general. It inspired me to begin my journey of meditation, and so here we are, ready to (try to) journal every day for 365 days about my mediative experiences.
Today meditation found me on the floor of my dorm in front of my roommates mirror. I sat in the darkness with no sound, deciding to start on my breath. My arms felt relaxed, but I found it hard to relax the tension in my forehead. Luckily I could find relaxation in my shoulders, bringing them down from my ears to a relaxed position. There were times when I was able to focus well on my breathing, but my thoughts found me easily, distracting me without me even noticing I was thinking about something else other than my breath. My thoughts are abundant and unrelenting, causing me to day dream about things I don't ever care about. In the end, I had only meditated about 5 minutes and got up feeling slightly refreshed and slightly unnerved and annoyed at my mindless thought chatter. In a book I'm reading, A Million Thoughts, the author mentions that this will happen often when beginning to meditate. He refers to the mind as a busy highway. It's all about getting to the beauty of the quiet, secluded dirt road. Of course, I'm not there yet, but I hope soon I will.
As of now, I find myself sitting here thinking if I'll be able to know the difference between a cleared, relaxed mind and not feeling anything, which is something I fear. When you spend most of your life thinking and talking all the time, it begins to feel uncomfortable to try and clear your thoughts and observe more of the world around you. I know my time will come, though. Practice makes perfect and I am the owner of my mind; my mind does not own me... or does it!? hahaha, just kidding.
artfully yours
Today meditation found me on the floor of my dorm in front of my roommates mirror. I sat in the darkness with no sound, deciding to start on my breath. My arms felt relaxed, but I found it hard to relax the tension in my forehead. Luckily I could find relaxation in my shoulders, bringing them down from my ears to a relaxed position. There were times when I was able to focus well on my breathing, but my thoughts found me easily, distracting me without me even noticing I was thinking about something else other than my breath. My thoughts are abundant and unrelenting, causing me to day dream about things I don't ever care about. In the end, I had only meditated about 5 minutes and got up feeling slightly refreshed and slightly unnerved and annoyed at my mindless thought chatter. In a book I'm reading, A Million Thoughts, the author mentions that this will happen often when beginning to meditate. He refers to the mind as a busy highway. It's all about getting to the beauty of the quiet, secluded dirt road. Of course, I'm not there yet, but I hope soon I will.
As of now, I find myself sitting here thinking if I'll be able to know the difference between a cleared, relaxed mind and not feeling anything, which is something I fear. When you spend most of your life thinking and talking all the time, it begins to feel uncomfortable to try and clear your thoughts and observe more of the world around you. I know my time will come, though. Practice makes perfect and I am the owner of my mind; my mind does not own me... or does it!? hahaha, just kidding.
artfully yours
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