day 20: meditation

Okay guys, so... Today is day 20, which I know doesn't make any sense because it's been, like, 4 days since I last posted about meditation. I was sick all weekend with (what I think was) food poisoning. Can you say lame? Of course the one weekend when I'm not really that busy with homework, I'm super sick. I was basically throwing up all the time. It sucked. So, long story short, I didn't get to meditate those days, but today I did. I don't know why it didn't go so well. It's probably because I haven't in so long so I wasn't used to clearing my mind as easily. I guess I also have a lot to think about. Well.. do I? It was mostly anxious thoughts for some reason, so I don't really have to think about those things, they just happen. I think I'm afraid someone is gonna come into the dorm room and mess up my meditation, which isn't something to be super worried about, but it does worry me. I want to be alone, and to be honest, I want the moments to be perfect. Classic Carolanne! I always want things to be perfect. I have come a long way, though. Now things don't have to be as perfect as they used to be, and I'm getting more okay with not giving my all on some things so I can give my all in others. I think that's an important lesson to learn (and I wouldn't even know where to begin when thinking about the lessons I've been learning lately). Sigh. I don't really have much to talk about today. Maybe tomorrow (or later even). Namaste.
artfully yours

tops off to sri lanka

It's about time I made this post. I suppose it's a nice little way to talk a little bit about my Spring Break trip and kick off my ever-lasting goal to make my mark in every country of the world. I know the way I'm marking my territory seems a bit odd, but believe me, the original plan did not start off with my risqué result. The plan started with a horse, but I figured I'll spare the horse from holding my fat ass up on a whole ride (which maybe doesn't sound any less risqué than me taking my top off).

Never thought I would be able to say I let the Indian Ocean see me naked.
Photo creds to my girl Charlotte. 

 OK, how many of you can say you've run back to the beach just to throw your bra and top off to (illegally I will add) flash the Indian Ocean? I'm going to assume not many of you. Well, except maybe for my girl Charolette, who didn't take her top off, but was daring enough to accept my frantic request and run back to take the picture of me.

There's something really liberating about letting the girls fly in front of the roaring waves. As an aspiring nudist, this was a big step for me, and it totally helped that I had three things I loved most with me: that skirt, the beach, and not having to wear a bra. Right before this I was lounging in the hot sand and got a really terrible sunburn nice tan after I spent 10 minutes standing in the middle of the dangerous Indian Ocean undertow with my pal Sally Tate. We took off our shirts then, too, but weren't quite ready to take our bras off, too. OK, maybe I was ready, but I'm not sure how it would have gone down if I asked her to take her bra off with me (but maybe that's the quickest way to friendship).

Yes, I am that short. And no, Scudder, I wasn't even standing in a hole, but thanks for trying.
Photo creds to the man himself (thanks Pawpaw #2). 

Regardless, the ocean was unrelenting and as much as I wanted it, it wanted me, and I found myself pulled under by the waves and my bra almost slipping off. I came up feeling pretty mystified, but understandably so considering the Ocean just made Her way to second base. But what can I say? When the Ocean calls, you come. And man, that place called me loudly and persistently.

These moments were ones I will never forget. India gave me its all, but it could never give me what Sri Lanka gave to me: that freeing moment of carelessness. I'm glad I could show Sri Lanka the most beautiful thing ever, because Sri Lanka showed me the most profound intricate beauties that consistently took my breath away and made me dream of the day I would be able to walk outside and see those beauties everyday. There was something about Sri Lanka that you can't explain. Maybe it's the people, the trees, the tea plantations? I'm not entirely sure. For all I know, it could be some mood-altering drug the government put in the air. Hm. Maybe I should start reading more about places I go before I leave. If only someone gave me a travel guide. 

I find my favorite moments in life are moments I never thought I would be in. My life is full of small surprises and spontaneity I never realize I have until I'm right in the middle. Sri Lanka brings that out in you. It tugs on your heart strings and brushes away the cobwebs hiding the perfect corner for it to lay its influence. For me, it has become the cornerstone to what has yet to come (and see me topless).
Sri Lanka, you have forever changed me and I will be back for you (maybe next time I'll try and find a horse). So tops off to you, Sri Lanka. I can't wait to see who's next.

artfully yours

day 17-19: meditation

First of all, my last post got a +1 and 6 views. Ahh! How did you people find me?! That's so exciting. Sorry I haven't posted recently, but as usual I'm soo busy. I can't wait for the summer when things can slow down.

day 17 (April 11th): I actually meditated in the morning this day and it felt so good. The funny thing, though, is that I did it in my dorm's bathroom. My roommate moves around and snores, plus I'm not very comfortable meditating with other people in the room, even if they're asleep. I still had a really nice time. I think the cold tile felt really good, too. I was able to concentrate on my breathing and the sound of the air vent. I think the cold was able to kind of wake me up and help me concentrate on my meditation even more. It just gets easier and easier each time (but don't take that TOO seriously - some days it's a little hard, but then you hop right back on). It made the rest of my day really easy and I was able to really take on the stressors head on.

day 18 (April 12th): My dance team did a wonderful little yoga class to end the year. It was amazing. I don't think I've ever felt my muscles that relaxed before without getting a massage. I breathed through every stretch and felt very in the moment. At the end we were laying down and I just sat and meditated. It was perfect. For a second I felt like I was floating, as if the ground was no longer there and I was levitating above the ground. Nothing hurt, as if my body no longer existed and I was just a living thing laying in the arms of the universe itself. It was beautiful and very relaxing/rejuvenating/happy, etc. etc. I hope I can feel that again. I think I'm gonna try and get into the habit of doing yoga since it helped me so much in that moment. Hm. We'll see.

day 19 (April 13th, today!): This was a hard one. I think it was because there was no place I could go to be alone and my boyfriend's bathroom is just gross (like.. seriously, seriously gross). Joe (thats his name) was also eating something and since I was concentrating so hard on my breath and hearing it, I could hear his mouth chewing. Being able to hear stuff like that just grinds my gears. I couldn't do it, haha. But thats okay. I don't think I was really in the right mindset to have a good moment anyway. Maybe tomorrow I'll wake up a little before him and meditate before my test.

Regardless of wither or not my meditations are good, I really have been noticing a huge change in my mood overall. I feel more reflective, contemplative, and relaxed. I feel more able to take on a stressor without letting it bring me down or turn me into a ball of crazy. I'm more able to see my anxiety as anxiety and not my reality. Some days it does try and combat that full force, but I'm easily able to accept it and move on, which is something I've never been able to do. I'm happy. Namaste.
artfully yours

day 13-16: meditation

Golly gee, my life sure does take a toll on me sometimes. It's not like it was a particular stressful weekend, but it was full of getting ready for the dance performance (I'm on the Champlain College dance team). It was fine, but I didn't really want to perform for everyone, especially because I wasn't really into it, but that's a conversation for another day. Regardless, it took away from my meditation and that's upsetting!

day 13 (Thursday, April 7th): I didn't really "meditate" this day. What I mean by that is I didn't actually sit down in the meditative posture on my bed or wherever and consciously meditate for a good amount of time (like 5 to 10 minutes). Instead I just spent 1 minute in class (because we do this everyday in my Cognitive Psych class) to mindfully be present, which is basically what I do when I meditate for myself anyway. It was nice, very refreshing, but not really how I like to meditate. The lights are too bright, but I wasn't too hyped up but also not too aggravated (about who knows what), so I found myself able to slip right into a nice relaxing place. It was sweet because I don't really enjoy that class, plus everyone needs a moment to gather themselves!

day 14 (Friday, April 8th): The reason I didn't blog for this day was because I didn't get to meditate until around midnight anyway, so it just felt too late (and I was way tired) to even type on my computer. At least I meditated, though! It was really just me sitting on my boyfriends bed. I pictured the pond again, but this time found myself slipping into a very present state of feeling my entire body calm at once. It was as if the calmness was inside my brain and my brain was moving together. As if my neurons were all breathing and sending synapse at such a low frequency (and yet -- it must have been high because of the level of concentration I needed to do something like this) that everything in the rest of my body breathed and moved and worked all together in a beautiful symphony. I know, that's pretty poetic. You're welcome.

day 15 (Sunday, April 9th): Yes, yes. I missed Saturday, but I decided to go out with my friends instead, and it was a good idea. I had so much fun! Sometimes it's okay to skip a day so you have fun doing something else. On Sunday I meditated as I was trying to sleep. I laid on my back, eyes closed, palms up, and mind clear. I just breathed, hoping it would calm me down enough to find a comfortable spot to fall asleep. It did calm me down, but I didn't get to the full experience I've felt before. That's okay though (and I didn't fall asleep until 30 minutes later).

day 16 (Monday, today!): I just meditated. Probably about 10 minutes ago. It wasn't for long, but to be honest, I don't really feel comfortable meditating in my room when my roommate is here. I'm not entirely sure, but that's okay. Soon I'll have my meditation spot in my own room where I can sit in peace and meditate till the day is done. Anyway, it was still a pretty nice meditation. I found myself thinking about writing this blog, though, and all the work I have to do. There were a few moments where I wasn't thinking about anything, but those thoughts mostly slipped in at any moment they found me vulnerable. I think that just means I should amp up my game and practice meditation even more (including timing myself so I can learn how to meditate for a long time). I think it also helped me realize just how much I think about the future. I wish I was more able to spend time in the moment, but that's why I'm trying to understand and cultivate mindful meditation in everyday life. Lately I've been doing it while walking. In fact, the other day I did it while me and my boyfriend were having sex (and believe me, ladies, if you learn to practice mindfulness and use it in the bedroom to focus on everything you feel in the now, you will not ever regret it *wink*).  On that note, I think I'll retire for the night. Namaste!
artfully yours

day 11 & 12: meditation

day 11: Sorry I didn't blog yesterday! My meditation found me in my religion class. I love when we meditate before class with my teacher's singing bowl. It's very relaxing. I found myself on the brink of relaxation. It was almost like I was relaxed, but not too relaxed (which is OK because I was in class). Other than that, there wasn't really anything significant about this besides the fact that I did it!!

day 12: I am still. Those were the words that went through my mind with tonights meditation. I love meditating on my boyfriend's bed because it's very soft and right against the wall. I pictured my still pond again, and then suddenly I wasn't picturing anything but instead feeling everything. I felt my body be still. It was beautiful.

Sorry for the short post, but I don't really have much to say. I guess a good thing going on is that I'm super excited to move into my new apartment because I plan to make a little meditation area that I can sit at and have some nice cute meditation time. I plan to make it all homey and earth-toned. Add some incense and my little statues from India. I'm so excited! Namaste.

artfully yours

day 10: meditation

Wow! Today's meditation was really nice. I found some time alone in my boyfriend's room and lit one of my incense. I'm not sure which one it was as they're all mixed up, but I like to believe it was the Aura Cleansing one. Regardless, it made the meditation that much better. Once I settled myself against the wall and in the same meditative position as last night, I found I easily slipped into a meditative state. This was the easiest shift ever. I was breathing with ease and sitting comfortably, while also maintaining well posture. My mind wasn't riddled with thoughts; in fact, I kept picturing a still pond in front of me. That's simply how I felt sitting there. A feeling of complete stillness overcame me, as if time had stopped and would not start again. My body hung loss from the restrictions of analytical, anxious thoughts and floated a top the still pond within my mind. Of course my pond was occasionally disrupted, but not as much as it once was. The ripples it faced were not waves of terror, but rather soft, toned ripples barely beneath the surface. Although they floated along, they did not cause the pond to become a whirlpool or a frenzy of waves. I am so proud of myself. It really is true that practice makes perfect (and no, I'm not claiming I'm perfect, but I'm better than before)!
I decided to do a little yoga afterwards. It was a mini sun salutation excerise I learned in my back strengthening yoga class a while back (I think I've mentioned before I have a bad back/legs/body lol). It really helped close off the meditative, calmness off the moment, while also stretching out my back and allowing my body to relax even more than it already was. I think what's important about this meditation is that it showed what works best for me in order to achieve a state of calm. I need to be alone, with incense, and in that wonderful position. I think it's also important to note that, in the beginning, I dedicated my mediation to taking in positive energy and releasing negative energy. Do I feel my mood has completely turned around? Of course not, but I do feel I am more ready to face the day ahead with a better, more positive outlook. I also took in self love and acceptance, breathing out the idea that I am my anxiety. This is something I want to work on, so I'm hoping dedicating half the time to doing that will help stabilize and control my misguided anxious self in order to fully sit and watch the serene calm of my still pond. Sigh, this was great. Namaste.
artfully yours

day 9: meditation

Today's meditation was UNBELIEVABLE. First of all, it started off with me in a whole new place. I went to this church-like place called All Souls Gathering. It's a non-denominational gathering place. I did this thing called the Oneness Blessing, which according to the woman facilitating the event, originated in India (UM which is where I JUST WAS!). It's a way to defeat world suffering and to feel connected with everyone and the Earth around you. It's supposed to bring you closer to your divine figure and allow you to feel deeksha. It was amazing. Let me tell you.
First, I was a little taken aback because I wasn't sure who my "divine figure" really was, but then I just decided to accept it and move on into being present and really feeling the benefits of the meditation. I sat cross-legged in the chair with my hands on my knee area. My pointer finger was touching the second knuckle of my thumb with the other three fingers outward. It wasn't really comfortable at first but as the meditation went on it literally felt like I wasn't even touching my fingers together at all. In fact, I couldn't even feel them. All I began to feel was my energy in the chair and in the room. I was one with myself and one with the music. So much so that breathing became so easily that it felt like I wasn't breathing at all. I was in perfect flow. If I had opened my eyes and found I was floating in the air, I wouldn't have been shocked at all. That was how it felt.
As the mediation went on and I began to fall deeper into the trance-like state, I found myself having very interesting visuals. My mind was moving with the beat of the song and I watched myself dance in a sari-type, flow-y outfit to the beat. She asked us to give out gratitude toward our friends and family, and then I suddenly saw my closest friends, Joe, and a few of my family members dancing in the same way as me. We were dancing together. Occasionally I would dance with only one of them at a time, but it was mostly us dancing together in a web of flow-y togetherness.
Needless to say, I have never felt anything like that before. I will definitely be going back to All Souls Gathering. I had a pretty bad headache the whole time and even though it didn't really ruin it, it definitely made it less amazing (and yet, it was still freaking amazing). I feel so relaxed and ready for the night. Just to hang out and be.
One thing I did realize was that I am very, very, very self-harming. Not in the physical way, but mentally. I constantly question and put myself down. I found myself doing that during my meditation when I began to feel the visuals. My mind kept saying I was faking this experience and that there was no way it was really happening and there was no way I was really feeling spiritual and as relaxed as I did. My visuals were a product of my own mind being stupid (which didn't even make sense because they were nice). My mind kept telling me I was forcing this, even though it didn't feel forced at all. I think this will just have to be something I talk to Kelly about next time. That's okay, though. Like I said, I can only get better from here and I think I'm well on my way to being the best me I've ever been. Namaste.
artfully yours

day 6-8: meditation

Wow! I'm finally able to sit down and blog. My weekend seemed to never stop being busy, and when it wasn't busy, all I was able to do was sleep. Needless to say, my hands were too tied up to sit down and blog. But I did meditate (almost) each day! I won't lie to y'all; I missed day 8 (Saturday). This means my day 9 was actually my day 8, so I guess I've back tracked. It's okay, though, because nobody's perfect and I'll be dammed if I ever claimed to be. Plus, I know I did some mindful eating and walking that day!


day 6 (Thursday): On Thursday, I meditated for a short bit after work. It was very nice. My boyfriend hadn't gotten home from work yet, so I turned off the lights, flicked on a soft-lighted lamp, and situated myself nicely in the criss-cross position against the wall. My posture felt wonderful and I was able to breathe without a problem. My body was able to fall right into a relaxed state, but my mind couldn't concentrate on anything. There were a lot of noises happening, so I tried to concentrate on the fan in the room, and even that didn't work. What did work was trying to concentrate my eyes onto something. It made it a little easier, but I couldn't stop blinking. It felt like I just kept hitting a wall when I tried to relax and find some inner quietness.

day 7 (Friday): This day found me in the classroom. My religion class to be exact. Every class we start off with a meditation with a singing bowl, which is something I always look forward to. Originally I didn't feel fond of the singing bowl, but somehow it's helped me really relax. I'm assuming it's something about the frequencies of the sound (fun fact: this is why people ring bells before walking/praying at a temple in India; the frequencies send out good vibes). Regardless of the singing bowl, for some reason I couldn't really get into a meditative state. I think it was a mixture of having too much coffee and a slight headache. I also find it hard to meditate in a room with bright lights and classrooms always seem a little too bright for me. It wasn't even my thoughts, but really just my body. It was jittery and uncomfortable. So, that meditation wasn't really a success, but it wasn't a failure either. It's not like I didn't occasionally feel calm and relaxed, but when I did I easily slipped right out of it.

day 8 (Sunday, today!): I meditated in the morning today. I had a very peculiar dream that made me feel all sorts of negative energy, so it was really nice that I meditated a little after I had woken up. It was "easy" (this is in quotes because I'm still a beginner and never have it feel easy easy) to slip into a relaxed state of mind and body. I focused on the melting snow dropping near my window like rain. It was very relaxing. My breath was steady and my mind almost quiet and calm. There was no rush to do anything and nothing crazy to think about. My breath filled me with energy as I tried to inhale the positive and exhale the negative. The only thing I wish was that it stuck with me. I ended up getting pretty bad news immediately after my meditation and it shocked me to the core, so I wasn't able to continue my positive thinking. That's just something to practice, though. Sometimes my anxiety pushes my relaxation out, but it's okay. Time will take me where I want to be; sooner or later, I'll get there.

To be real, I'm pretty surprised I've kept up with meditation. Usually I start something and quit it quickly, but with this I'm determined to keep going and make it a habit. It really has changed my life and way of thinking. This weekend was particularly stressful and painful, but if this weekend happened my freshman year of college (or even my senior/junior year of high school), I would never have been able to handle it and found a way to end my weekend on a positive note. The events that hurt me would have continued to hurt me and ruin my weekend even more than it already did. I would have ruminated, but with all this practice with meditation and positive thinking, I've been able to change my attitudes towards my stressors and anxieties. I do admit that I wish I handled a few things differently, but I'm trying to accept that shit happens. I'm not an expert at meditation and I'm sure not an expert at handling my anxiety. It's been with me all my life and my anxious habits will not be broken over 8 days of meditation or even months of therapy. It takes years and it takes hard work. I'm just happy I'm able to push myself to be better, not just for others, but for me. What counts is my dedication to myself and the love and effort I'm putting in to better myself so I can better the world around me. Meditation is just a nice little way of helping me. Namaste.
artfully yours