OK, yes, I forgot a day. But I'm a busy bee. Still, I should make time. And I will. I think part of it is that I don't like to meditate in areas that I will be disturbed or with others, and I'm always with others. I don't really have my own room or space to meditate freely, but when the summer rolls around I totally will!
Today's meditation was nice. I sat on my boyfriends bed with my back against the wall (I have really bad back problems so it felt nice) and my hands out in the receiving position in hopes to receive good vibes. The thoughts were still running rampant, and it opened my eyes to see my thoughts in a new light. They're like a bunch of little children and I'm the babysitter. I'm supposed to keep them in check and I try my best not to, but the moment you try and calm one thought, another thought quickly goes haywire. It's upsetting and frustrating, but the best way to deal with children is with love and understanding, so that's how I need to treat my mind. I cannot be upset with it that thoughts go haywire, but instead realize I am not at the point where I am able to really put them at ease, but I love my mind place and know it will be a still ocean one day. For that, I am excited.
A thought that snuck into my meditation caught me, though; it wasn't really an intrusive thought, but more of an insight on how I've been feeling since India. I've been feeling rather "awake" and not in the millennial since of being "woke" about social issues (which I also should be a little bit more of) but awake in the sense that I am realizing which person I want to be vs. the person I act like I am. I have been living in a world of cognitive dissonance. I laugh with others about nasty things while thinking about how much I hate saying these words. Others speak meanly of others and I do not want to be a part of it. Lately I've been trying to separate myself from the drama and ill-words, but it is awfully hard. It's not hard because I want to say mean things (because I don't want to at all), but it's hard to tell people I don't agree with the way they feel about someone or about something because in their mind the ill words are just to say. For example, at work yesterday my boss said she hates it when one of my coworkers can't do their own job. This job, in my opinion, wasn't something to be upset about. It was about watering tables. She thought the captain (waitress who takes orders) should be able to water a table instead of her (the person who runs the food to the tables), but I felt that was silly. Anyone can water tables and besides maybe the captain was busy doing something else. I told her that I felt her expectations were too high and heard her say, as I walked away, that she did not think so. Later, I heard her talking to another coworker about how she doesn't think she should have to change her expectations.
The gossip and dirty talk just becomes an endless cycle of hurting others, and ultimately, hurting yourself. I won't lie and tell you I haven't talked dirty about a few people, but I am trying to change and therefore feel ready to change. It's just about keeping that feeling of serenity with the Buddha in my everyday life. Namaste.
artfully yours.
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