happiness

As the year comes slowly to a close, I'm finding it more and more important to reflect on one of the most influential years of my life. This time last year I was depressed (and still am, but now I understand it), and in February of this year I was in the hospital on suicide watch. Even as I look back and remember feeling superbly disappointed in myself, waking up in a hospital bed being told I overdosed on Xanax was the greatest thing to ever happen to me. In the most cliché of ways, it was an eye-opener. I wouldn't say I "found myself," (because, really, who ever does in one week?) but I started to understand the complexities of me. All my life I was afraid of failure and afraid to disappoint others around me, but somehow my biggest failure became my biggest success.

My family prided me in being the golden child in comparison to my cousins (considering I'm an only child), and so I felt the need to give them something to be proud about. Apparently this also meant I had to never fail at any task ever and completely understand any task ever, which, as we all know, is nearly impossible. The me in that hospital bed had literally failed everything: failed being in control, failed staying sober, failed making my mom happy, failed myself, but most importantly, I had failed in killing myself. In that, I understood what my family knew and what I had forgotten: I was worthy.

The golden child title was never really brought on by the smarts or the mistakes I never made, it was brought on by the fact that I was a golden ray of sunshine. I was worthy of feeling the happiness I brought to others. And in my biggest failure, my darkest day, my pitch black rock bottom, I needed to be a golden ray of sunshine once more. Not just for the ones I loved, but for myself. I could no longer be the only one unable to feel the sun caressing my skin and I could no longer stuff down the sunshine inside of myself with anxious thoughts and depressed feelings. I wanted more than a stiff bed with crinkly sheets. I wanted more than plastic tray meals and nurses checking in on me 24/7. I wanted the independence happiness seems to bring the people around me. So, I embarked on my own little "Journey to Happiness," and promised myself that I would be positive in my search for it. 

It's been about 10 months since I started this journey, and I've found many things along the way. My biggest finding? It isn't a journey to happiness, it's a journey with happiness. I have no idea where I'm going, but I'm going which ever way happily. My heart is open and my sun is shining, so therefore I know I'm ready, and I know I can handle anything that comes my way. My resilience not to fail allowed me to turn my resilience toward staying joyful. Is it hard? Of course. I will always have days where I won't feel happy, but that's part of life. As of now, my happy and joyful days are greatly exceeding the dark days, but that's because I shine the most on my happiest days, allowing me to focus on them easily. 

Despite the dark days I have, I can never go back to being the girl in the hospital. Once I got out and my feet felt the solid ground beneath me, I could finally feel the sun against my skin, my heart bursting with joy, and my understanding that everything would be perfectly fine. 

artfully yours.